Almost 4 years

It has been almost 4 years since Ava was born.  Despite all the passed time, I can still bawl like a baby about my crappy pregnancy, her birth, the few hours (?) I spent with her (why didn't I ask for more time?!), the lifetime without her.  I never even got to know my own daughter.  I never even got to see her breath.  Yet for some reason, years later, I still ache.

In only a moment, I can be transported back to that hospital room, the tears, the support, the shock, the love, the empty abdomen, the milk, the condolences, the journey...  There have been a lot of these moments lately.  My sadness for Ava feels real and raw, despite it being years ago.  I don't understand why.  Maybe a dark cloud has settled on my horizon for a little while.  Or maybe memory triggers are tugging at those crappy band-aids covering my wounds.  These moments may seem sad and depressing, but they are my only memories of her.  I do cherish them.

At the time, I wrote in a journal entry "Ava is forever missed and always ours.  I've changed, we've changed.  Our life will never be the same."  Those words are as true now as they were then.

This song, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, was playing (over played) on radio stations when we lost Ava.  As a result, it always reminds me of her and that time in our lives.  But in a happy, you've changed my life forever sort of a way!  Just wanted to share it with you today.  I hope today you "open up, find love, and don't hesitate".  Because life really is too short not too...

Remembrance, Creativity, & Photo by Aunt Lindsay